I went back to the doctor today and had the same horrible nurse-practitioner as last time. Of course, this time she looked at my chart and said, "Oh good, you lost six pounds! That's great!" Which was almost as condescending as having my weight gain at the previous appointment questioned. (Interesting side note, when I flew back home in August I went to see my real doctor and I asked her to pull up my weight records for the past year. I never had a thirteen pound weight gain over the course of those three months - so who knows how they figured out that number the first time.)
I've been feeling...I don't know. Low, I guess. I love work but I sometimes have terrible days. Lately I am very vividly reminded that, in many ways, theater tech and design is still a boy's club. I often feel like when I raise my voice with a question, suggestion, or comment, I get the "shut up while the men are talking" vibe in response. It can be frustrating when, on a ten person call, I'm one of two females in the room - if there's another female at all.
It's also frustrating, trying to balance being a girl and being a technician. I look around and while other females in the industry exist - I mean, I wear eyeliner and mascara to work. My work boots have a two-inch stacked heel. I keep my tools in a huge Clinique bag and one of my flashlights is neon pink. I sometimes feel very separate from the other people I work with, but I'm not going to be any less "me" because I don't think I fit into the mold of a typical female technician.
I think what I'm feeling most of all is loneliness. I live in a big, beautiful apartment in a great neighborhood in Manhattan; I'm employed at a job that will, with luck, take me to greater places in my desired career field. I should be really happy and satisfied but then I realize I have no one to talk to or laugh with. I don't have any real girl friends, and I can't talk with my guy friends about the sticky stuff in my life; mostly because not only would they have no idea how to handle it, I expect most of them wouldn't really care (not just because they're assholes, but because, you know. They're guys).
This is coming to a head because it's almost my birthday and I remember how miserable my birthday last year was, when I was alone in the city and wished fervently it was any other day of the year except my birthday, because who wants to be alone on their birthday?
