My most recent design job has led immediately to my next assignment, a night of one acts in the same theater. These shows are quite fun, and I'm glad I've got something to keep my mind occupied.
I'm in that weird place again. It's similar to where I was a few months ago, only several shades lighter. I'm much more in control but I'm making these overwhelming discoveries about myself, now that I've been thrown into a world that isn't dominated by school, or my parents, or the friends I've had for years.
No, I'm growing up now. The hardest part, oddly, is the social part. I mean, think about it - I've been in school my whole life. My friends were the people I had class with everyday, or the people I worked on shows with, or whatever. There was an element of consistency that made having friends natural and easy. Suddenly, now it's much harder, because my world is so inconsistent. I work in different theaters with different people all the time. I work in different clubs with different groups of people. I know a lot of people, and admit that my social calendar is pretty full, but I still feel very much alone.
The answer, unfortunately, does not lie with other people. No matter who I'm with, I feel alone. At the bar with friends, hanging out with my roommates, on a date, at work, having sex - I'm constantly struck with the feeling that I'm by myself.
Maybe it has something to do with living in the city. It's easy to feel swallowed up and utterly anonymous. Sometimes I feel suffocated by my own unimportance. I occasionally have that old nightmare of mine, where I'm standing in the middle of a crowd and I'm screaming, helplessly, but no one hears me.
I should feel happier, luckier, prouder than I feel right now. Aren't I living the life I always talked about having? But living the dream comes with a hefty price tag, it seems.
No comments:
Post a Comment