"you're about the board the Sue Sylvester Express. Destination: HORROR."

w: 120.8

I have no appetite.

This is an extraordinarily strange feeling.  I've had such a specific relationship with food for the past several years - usually a very strong love/hate one, where I was often voraciously hungry and obsessed with food.  Where it was all I could do to not eat down the house (and consequently, become the size of a house).

Now, I'm struggling to eat.  Nothing tastes good.  Nothing looks appetizing.  I keep a diary of how much I eat, and how many calories, and I'm barely touching 900 calories a day.  I'm glad I'm finally losing weight but I'm scared to eat so little.  But I'm simply not hungry - or if I am hungry, there's nothing I feel like eating, so I drink tea to fill me up.

I'm in a thoroughly peculiar place, emotionally.  I've been rejected, but not really.  I have no plans, but not really.  I feel lost, but I'm not really.

One of the designers I worked with over the summer gave me some good advice.  He told me that there was no hurry.  That I didn't have to rush to New York, rush to get paid design work.  That things would happen in their own time, and to be persistent, optimistic, and kind.  I need to keep those thoughts in my head, because I think 99% of my freaking out is because my plans aren't happening fast enough.  And that if they don't happen fast enough, nothing will ever happen for me.  And while there may be some truth in that, I'm not going to let "nothing" happen to me.  I just need to accept that it's going to take longer than I originally planned.

I went over to UNCG last night and saw a dress rehearsal of Oklahoma!.  It's a good production of a musical I've never liked, so my thoughts on it were mixed.  The best part, actually, was seeing some of my friends and old teachers.  I've been missing being around people - I feel so isolated and lonely.  I've taken to driving out to the park and sitting in the sun and reading books and just enjoying being around people.  Once the show officially opens, everyone will be on more flexible schedules, and I can finally just hang out with people.