Nobody chooses to be a freak. Most people don't realize they're a freak until it's way too late to change it. No matter how much of a freak you end up being, chances are there's still someone out there for you. Unless of course, they've already moved on. Because when it comes to love, even freaks can't wait forever.
**
This morning, my mother and I went to Wal-Mart to buy all the accouterments for setting up house. And, well...there are a lot of accouterments. Every aisle, I was like, "fuck, I need that...and that...and this...and two of these." I have to buy all new bedding, for example (since my new bed is bigger than my old one, HOORAY I FINALLY HAVE A GROWN-UP BED), and weird things, like...paper napkins. Spices. Large quantities of Splenda.
Stephen and I went out to lunch at our favorite shitty Japanese restaurant, where I decided it would be supercool of me to drip white sauce all over myself (please, keep your nasty comments to yourself). He and I had a lovely time; I always feel much better about life after I talk to Stephen.
And I just got back from dinner with my family. We went to PF Chang's, a restaurant I generally dislike. (Have you seen the nutritional information? If you haven't, don't. You won't want to eat anything they have.) But, Mr. Chang's establishment has a keen eye for good-looking guys. There were a lot of good-looking people there in general, actually. So, I flirted appropriately, more to amuse my grandmother than anything else.
**
You know, when I think about it...I know a lot of ugly people.*
I mean, I do. I know a lot of people in general, and it makes sense that a portion of them are ugly. I don't mean just physically ugly, but ugly on the inside. There are many flavors of unattractive, and I see them in spades in some people. And several of them have a common trait beyond their massive imperfections - they're in functional romantic relationships. (With other ugly people.)
And, I know a lot (a lot) of really beautiful, wonderful people. And they're, with a few exceptions, single. Or like me - in and out of relationships.
This phenomenon confuses me, and has confused me for the bulk of my adult dating life. I mean, I consider myself not bad-looking, and I'm not an asshole. Sure, I have my imperfections - I spent three years throwing up 90% of what I ate (haven't thrown up in over a month now - yay me!), I have a hard time with money, I have trust issues in relationships, I can be flaky and flighty during the dating stage, I'm vain - but I'm working to make things better. So what is it about me that drives men away, ultimately?
Considering that at the end of the day I think I'm fucking fabulous, I don't have a great deal of self-pity. I don't weep into my pillow wondering why I'm the anthrax to the opposite gender's Senate (oh GOD, I don't even know where I pulled that one out of. Hi, 2001, it's been nine years). But, it's something I've been rolling around in my head for some time now. I can't really say I'm dating the wrong guys, since I'm the common denominator in all my failed relationships.
I don't know. I mean, I'm so young, and I have so much life to live. If this is still happening to me in 20 years, maybe I'll get really worried. But for now...it's just one of the curiosities in my life.
**
I should be packing, but...Project Runway is so much more fun.
*not YOU. Well, maybe you. No, not you.
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